#OnTheRoad, #Thoughts

Blinded & Drifting In Inadequacy

I never took a moment to process the fact that I almost died, it was just like whatever. I’m alive and embarrassed but that night I could not help but feel so many things. I wanted closeness but did not know how to ask for it again which led me down a road I could not come back from and when I tried to vent to some friends, who didn’t have the ability to uplift me and encourage me, I spiraled out of control and shut down completely. I couldn’t even talk and when he asked me what’s wrong I didn’t speak.

On the fifth day, understandably, he wasn’t interested in being around me. He didn’t say it but I felt it so I went out by myself and walked the beach. I was feeling under attack by the world. It was 11am but I wanted to drink the feeling away so I shamelessly ordered two massive drinks. On the way back down the restaurants steps, I slipped and hurt my toe. At that point, I was convinced someone had roots on me and was actively attempting to murder me. Eventually, I limped into the room and let time pass before I apologized and the next thing you know we were screaming at each other about I don’t even know what. I just remembered thinking I just want to lie down. I just need a hug. This shit is a lot.

And if it couldn’t get any worse for me, on the sixth day, I became a third wheel after attempting to vent to another friend about how I felt inadequate about my inexperience and feelings around dating and sex. And for some reason she took that as the green light to try to set the mood for my friend and I which only left me feeling worse than being gas lit. More embarrassed than having a lifeguard have to save me and ending up in the ER blinded by sand. And more under attack than I felt when I slipped down two steps and ended up with a limp.

I can’t even describe the loneliness or how lame I felt because at 32. Nevermind.

I went on vacation to escape the feeling of being overwhelmed with feelings of failure and the lack of control and every day it was like God was attempting to show me that I need to let go of this need to be in control to try to make up for what I’m lacking. It was like he was saying, “I’m gon shake shit up wherever you go and make you face it.” I’m not sure if I faced anything because even more now I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers except this time I’m just crying it out by myself.

Oh yeah, Texas is beautiful. And minus the injuries and drama, it was fun. 1/3- Not bad.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *